Empowered.
Courage. Blank Screen-I feel timid of the blank screen just as I felt
timid when I was dropped off at the convention center. Loud.
Distracting busy-ness ..scary..strangers. safe? unsafe? what
are everyone's motives? if I fell, would these people around me
help? If I was lost, out of money, would I be on my own in this
city. Suddenly, I realize just how dependent I am upon my
husbands income and physical, emotional support. without him, I would
be much more alone in the world.
Riding
my bike so much farther than I have ever biked before.
Timidity..Yesterday,
I realized how timid and small I am; walking in this big city. Big
cities make me feel afraid and small..and I feel like a little naive
child. Loud cars, strangers passing by so quickly. not even
looking at me. A strange man sat down next to me on the bus,
and looked right at me, talking to me. I kept my answers brief
and polite. He continued to look over at me with a familiarity
that made me feel uncomfortable. He was probably a nice man. Perhaps,
someone's grandfather. I probably seemed cold, suspicious,
unfriendly, but I was afraid of him. How many times I've been
nice, and found myself in awkward situations as they continued the
pressure me..stalk me. Not many times, but enough times, to make me
wary, make me want to avoid, the overly -engaged man, the one who
keeps seeking out more, emotionally, verbally.. I shut down.
Perhaps
this man was a nice man, but perhaps he was inappropriate, as well.
He teased, "oh, you saved the seat for me," If
I had been a fearless woman, I might have bravely toyed with his
flirtation and it would not have threatened me. I have seen bolder
women do this. I was not this bolder woman at this moment. I
was traveling by bus, alone, uncomfortably..unfamiliarity. Out of my
comfort zone. I realize just how timid I am at forty years old.
I hid myself into facebook on my phone so I could purposely avoid his
making conversation. "See, I'm not really here. I'm
unavailable for conversation," It felt like torture. I
could feel the pressure of his expectations..I could feel my own
guilt, that perhaps, I was hurting his feelings, and my presence in
this brief episode of his life, was a a sad reminder of his own
loneliness and isolation. I did not want to be that for this lonely
soul. But, I was not comfortable with his attention. His
strange strangerness.
Funny,
I choose this to write about, because today, was so much more than
timidity. I was bolder; less afraid. This time on bike, 7.1
miles to the Convention Center on a warm sunny fall day. Incredible
day. Life changing day. Never biked that far before.
Never thought I could do it.
Inspired
by authors who are my heroes, my movie stars. My eyes must have
glowed the whole time. I was not thinking critically at all. I
was in awe, and inspiration. My critical brain was turned off,
in place of the euphoria of being with heroes. Writers. It is one of
the closest feelings of spiritual awe, I feel right now, second only
to the incredible gift of motherhood. I should feel that of my
Faith. This feeling is my sign that I am on the right path. If
it makes me feel as I do, with my Faith; it is the path I wish to be
on.
It
was truly one of those incredible days. The weather was so
perfect; I was doing something I have never done before. Pushing
myself beyond my timidity, out of the walls that had enclosed me
before. Outside of my cage and limitations of what I had
thought I couldn't do. Now, I can do more! I can go
further. I am capable of more than I thought.
I
missed my baby desperately while I was away. The first day, I
was afraid of the separation; afraid of something going wrong, her
getting hurt. The second day, I was less afraid, but my heart ached
for her.
